lesson #1: sometimes, you just have to stay up late

I keep my coat on longer than I should and stare into the full length mirror hanging on the wall. I haven’t worn contacts in two days. Maybe tomorrow. I should wash my hair too.

I like the way this coat makes me look. It isn’t even really a coat, I guess. More of a sweater. I do have a real coat, purple with big black buttons. A muted, grown-up purple. I feel smart in it. Put together. But that’s more for winter.Today I wore the sweater. It was my mom’s and makes me feel freer. I wonder if it makes me look homeless. I was told that once.

I want to play my Carol King record, but I have to be quiet. It is way too late for a Tuesday and the boyfriend’s been asleep for hours. Sighing, I remove the white knit from my shoulders. Solid colored t-shirt, dark jeans. Pretty standard. The paint on my nails is chipped, and I make a note to re-paint them.

I take my multi-vitamin and two cold pills, hoping to sleep through the night. It’s hard to tell if I’m sick again, or just still sick from before. It is fall in Pennsylvania and everyone has colds. I’m running low on toothpaste and but squeeze the tube clean. Add it to the list.

Looking at the clock, I kick off my pants and leave them in the middle of the floor. I’ll put them away tomorrow, or I’ll just wear them again. I need to wash those. My shirt heads to the laundry. Starring in the mirror again, I’m slow to find my pajamas. I suppose I’m thin-ish, though my thighs pucker and touch at the tops. My stomach bulges at the hips more than before. My mom says it happens with age. Maybe twenty-four is old enough to start “letting yourself go.” I should start running again. My hair looks dry and frizzy. Tomorrow I’ll set aside some time to condition it.

I always try to decide what I must look like to other people. I mean, I can see the mirror, but it’s still me. I have always been bothered by the fact that I’ll never be able to know. If people tell me I’m pretty, or I look tired, I will never really know. Am I bigger or smaller, taller or shorter, prettier or…I make myself move away. I could do this all night and it’s already 3:30.